Lucky Stars
by Lady Anatui
Summary: JPLE, SBLE, JPOC. Slight AU. We know the story of Lily and James, but what if that didn't happen? What if they went their separate ways and loved other people? Would they ever be able to make up for the moments they lost or go back to change it all?
1. Regrets and What Could Have Beens

_All right, this is one of my most recent Harry Potter stories. It's a Lily/James, which I'm sure you've noticed. This story is in three parts. It was originally going to be a one-shot, but then it got a little too long for my liking, and I wanted to make it a little bit more suspenseful._

_Just so everyone knows--I had a little trouble with this on HPFF when I first posted it there--the italicized part is the part that is not real. It's the what-if part of the story that_ would _happen if Lily and James never got together. However, since we know that they did, it couldn't possibly be real._

_Please enjoy!_

* * *

**Part 1 – Regrets and What-Could-Have-Beens**

Lily Evans took a deep breath and exhaled in frustration as she watched _him_ walk into the Great Hall with _her_. She could barely stand to look at the two of them, hand in hand, happy, grinning and not stopping. Frankly, it was disgusting. Angrily, she set down her cup of pumpkin juice and returned to her food with a sullen smile on her face. She barely heard the words of her best friend as she spoke to her, trying to get her attention.

"Lily, are you all right?" asked Elle anxiously.

She shook her head sadly but refused to look up at her friend. "I'm fine," she answered slowly.

"No, you're not."

"I will be."

"It's Potter, isn't it?"

"Why do you always assume it's him?"

"Because it always _is_ James Potter when you're upset. Merlin, Lily, you sure know how to pick 'em."

"What is that supposed to mean, Elle?"

She shrugged and replied, "Oh, Lily, I know you fancy him."

"I've told you before: I'll never like Potter. We may be Heads together, but that doesn't mean any romantic relationship will come of it."

"But he's not even asking you out anymore."

"I've noticed. It's nice."

"Are you really happy that he gave up on you, Lily?"

"Yes, of course. I yelled at him for a long time. It took him almost four years to figure out that I won't go out with him."

Elle hesitated, not sure whether she should let her friend win or continue pestering her. Finally, she settled on the latter and said, "You're saying that you couldn't ever like him? That you're glad he barely even looks at you anymore?"

"I'm perfectly fine with it. It's still just a little weird—that's all. I mean, just a month ago he was still asking me out and now we only talk when we're working on our Head duties. I'm not upset about it. I just don't understand how he can change so quickly."

"That's what you _say_," returned Elle. "Do you really think I believe that, Lily?"

"You should. It's the truth."

"If you say so."

"Can we just go to class already?" she sighed, picking up her glass of juice and finishing it before removing herself and her bag from the Gryffindor table. Elle slowly followed her.

---

"_Well, what else is there for me to say, Miss Atwood?" asked a twenty-three-year-old Lily Evans as she carefully examined the woman across from her. "I'm very happy for you, though, Mary."_

_Mary Atwood smiled back at her. "Thanks, Lily. I know you really mean it, especially after everything back in Hogwarts. After all the grief he put you through, I'm surprised you're not trying to mess up our wedding."_

"_You're a good friend of mine—I'd never dream of it, even if James Potter was a prat to me for four years."_

_Her smile grew larger as she said, "Thank you again. Is it really a good wedding dress, though?"_

"_It's lovely. It suits you perfectly."_

"_Would you wear it, though?"_

"_Why such a silly question? It's not like my opinion really matters on something like this. I'll never get married anyway."_

"_I still want to know."_

"_Well, I guess I wouldn't. It's too fancy for my taste. I would wear something very simple but still elegant," she said thoughtfully before pulling back into reality. "But that doesn't matter. This is your wedding. You'll wear whatever dress you want to wear, Mary—and you'll be beautiful in it, too."_

"_Oh, thank you so much, Lily!" Mary eagerly took the boxed wedding dress in her arms and moved toward the door of the bridal store. "Have a lovely day!" _

_---_

"Lily, stop trying to deny yourself the simple pleasures of life," demanded Elle in frustration.

"I'm not denying myself anything. I'm not denying anything _period_. I'm glad he's with Mary Atwood now. She's perfect for him. She's a ditzy, skinny girl with a bunch of money. It also helps that practically her whole world revolves around him."

"And that doesn't bother you?"

"Not for a second."

"He's only with her because he can't have you and she's easy."

"Oh great. If he were still trying to impress me, he'd really impress me with his mad skills at seducing girls that already want him and aren't me to begin with. That would really make me date him."

Elle jumped as Lily slammed her books down on the table in the back of the library before saying cautiously, "I'm not saying it's a grand move on his part, but he's just upset about you."

"Just because he's upset doesn't mean he has to go to some cheap whore to get laid."

"I don't think they're having sex."

"Oh, yeah, why?"

"He's too infatuated with you."

Lily actually snorted at that, causing her best friend to raise her eyebrows. "He's gotten over that—thankfully."

"If you say so."

"You've been saying that a lot lately, Elle."

"And you've been denying things a lot lately."

"No, I haven't."

"Another denial."

Lily groaned angrily. "You're impossible."

"Thanks, Lily. That means a lot to me, especially from you."

"What does that mean?"

With a short laugh, Elle turned toward the exit of the library. "I'll leave you to your work. I wouldn't want you to get in trouble with the librarian, now would I?"

"Of course you wouldn't," muttered Lily.

---

_The telephone rang as Lily was making her way toward the door to go out, causing her to jump toward the table on which the telephone sat. "Hello?" she asked impatiently._

_The voice on the other end of the line was familiar and she recognized it almost immediately. "Hey, Lily. How are you?"_

"_Oh, hi, Mary!" she said excitedly. "I'm doing quite well. How is the wedding planning going?"_

"_Quite well, thanks. I was thinking, though, that we barely see each other anymore. Perhaps we could get together some time?"_

_Lily nodded and then said, "Yes, that would be grand," when she remembered that Mary couldn't see her through the telephone._

"_Excellent. How about lunch tomorrow?"_

"_Wonderful. Where?"_

"_Oh, anywhere you like."_

"_How about Florean Fortescue's in Diagon Alley?" suggested Lily._

"_At noon?"_

"_Yes."_

"_I'll see you then."_

"_Yes, goodbye, Mary," she said and hung up the phone once more. With a deep sigh, she continued out the door to go to work._

_---_

"Let's make this quick, Potter," snapped Lily as she sat down in the prefect meeting room. "I have to study for NEWTs."

"It's not all about you, Evans," James responded bitterly. "We need to work on the Graduation Party. There's a lot to organize and pay for and convince McGonagall and Dumbledore to do or get or whatever."

She took a deep breath and said, "I'm surprised you actually remember all of the things we need to do."

"I'm not a complete failure, you know. Just because I haven't changed for you—that doesn't mean you should still be rude to me. I did what you've wanted me to do for as long as we've known each other. I _am_ leaving you alone."

"Well, you're still the same selfish, overly prideful, annoying prick you've always been so I don't see why I should change my opinion of you."

"I'm not asking you to. I would just like you to keep that opinion to yourself a little more now that I'm not asking you for a date or a snog every day of our lives. It's really the least you could do."

After a short huff, she didn't say anything until finally settling on changing the subject back to the work at hand. "So what's there to organize?"

They spent the rest of the hour working on plans for the celebration they would have after officially graduating from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry at the end of the term. When they were finally done, Lily tried her best to leave before he could say anything else on the matter of her constant dislike toward him but failed miserably as he caught her at the door.

"Listen, Evans," he said with a deep sigh, "I know I never actually apologized for what I did—everything I said to you, making fun of you, asking you out, and everything—so now's as good a time as any. I'm sorry, Lily Evans, for doing all of that… but that doesn't mean that I didn't like you at all. Asking you out wasn't just for a conquest, and I'm very sorry if I made it appear that way."

She didn't say anything, her head down in slight shame at being so mean to him when she knew that she really did fancy him after all. And, now that he had actually apologized, she felt even worse because the only reason she had turned him down was her own insecurity and fear that he was just doing it to make fun of her or just to say that he went out with her. She knew that he was telling the truth that he had liked her truly from the sound of his voice

But that wasn't what scared her this time. It was the way he had said it just then: "But that doesn't mean I didn't like you at all." He had said 'didn't', which meant that he _had_ liked her before but no longer did. And it was a horrible feeling to know that she had completely missed her chance to be with someone that really cared for her at the same time she had cared for him. It was so scary.

So, after saying that, she just allowed him to leave, knowing that he didn't return those feelings anymore and that her hope was lost, and she was left alone in the room in shame and sorrow and regret.

---

_When Lily arrived at Florean Fortescue's ice cream parlor, she was almost fifteen minutes late. But, after looking around, she noticed that Mary was nowhere to be seen. Had she left already after waiting so long? Or had she not even come to begin with? Or had she just been delayed as well? Was something wrong? She chose a small table by the door so that she could keep watch on the all the incomers, hoping that Mary would arrive some time soon._

_But she was surprised when she discovered that the next person to enter was not Mary but her fiancé, James. Startled and a little afraid of seeing him after years of not contacting him at all, she watched with wide eyes as he noticed her and approached her table._

_She easily told herself that she no longer cared for him as he steadily grew closer and that there was no way he could ever return any feelings even she still had them anyway. It had been far too long—she had gotten over that a long time ago. She had been in several relationships after leaving Hogwarts and getting over him—not that any of those lasted very long anyway._

"_Hi," he said a little anxiously as he sat down across from her. She couldn't tell if he were anxious because they hadn't seen each other in so long or if it were because something was wrong._

"_Where's Mary?" she asked immediately, trying to avoid anything to do with anything between them._

"_She couldn't make it. Emergency at work. She asked me to stop by to see that you knew why and weren't alone."_

"_Very kind of her," nodded Lily nervously. "Er, what kind of emergency?"_

"_She didn't say, but I think there might have been another attack."_

"_Voldemort?"_

_He nodded._

"_Then, why aren't you out there?"_

_James furrowed his brow in confusion. "What do you mean?"_

"_You're an Auror, aren't you? Shouldn't you be out there then?"_

"_You're obviously not up-to-date on my life, Evans," he said, allowing the last name basis to slip out in his short, mirthless laugh. "I work at the _Daily Prophet_. Today's my day off."_

"_What?" she asked, startled. "But you and Black always said in Hogwarts that your dream was to be Aurors."_

"_Mary talked me out of that after Sirius… er, passed away," he said sadly, and she knew she had struck a cord with mentioning his best friend. "Too dangerous. I guess I see her logic now." He paused, probably thinking about Sirius Black again before continuing with the conversation they now had going on. "But what about you? You work at a bridal barn?"_

_She shrugged. "Not exactly my dream job, but it's enough for me."_

"_Didn't you want to be a Healer like Mary?"_

"_I wanted to be a Healer, yes. I always wanted to help people."_

"_Oh, yeah, a great help you are now."_

"_Don't take that sarcastic tone with me, Potter. I decided against it when I failed my Potions NEWT."_

"_I remember that. How could you have failed that? I remember you were always leaving Head duties to study for that one especially."_

_Lily took a deep breath and let it out in the form of a sigh. "I couldn't concentrate. I was too busy thinking about… stuff."_

_He nodded in understanding, remembering the previous night to their NEWTs all too well. He, however, had been able to concentrate most of the time, though, despite all that had happened. Trying to not be too awkward, he finally said, "I should be going now, Miss Evans. It was nice to see you again. I'm sure Mary will contact you again to reschedule lunch."_

"_Yes. Could you please tell her that I'm sorry she couldn't make it?"_

"_I will."_

"_Thank you."_

"_Bye, Evans."_

"_Bye, Potter."_

_---_

Barely able to hold back the tears as she struggled up the staircases to reach the Fat Lady, Lily easily ran into something strong and hard as she tried to maneuver through hazy eyes. When she looked up to see what was blocking her path, she discovered a very well-known face before her. "Black!" she exclaimed shakily.

His arms extended to steady her as he said, "Are you all right, Evans?"

She nodded determinedly as the tears finally overflowed and began to fall down her cheeks.

"Erm, I don't think you are," he replied.

"I'm fine," she snapped, her voice cracking on the second word, as she tried to force her way past him.

Easily criticizing her bad job of trying to escape him, Sirius held her in place. "You see, I don't really understand how you can say that with those little wet streaks down your face and the droplets of salty water collecting on and falling from your chin. For some reason, you being fine and those tears just don't match up in my book. So, until you tell me what's wrong or beat me up, I don't think I'm going to let you go," he reasoned.

She tried to escape him again but already knew it was futile. Eventually, she stopped struggling and sighed in frustration. "Fine," she said after a long time, "I'll tell you."

"Good."

"I'm upset because I've just realized that I've just started my period."

He quickly pulled his hands away from her at that point to give her space in case she bit his head off and yelled at him or something of the like as she was known to do. But, when he noticed she was laughing, he realized that she had just said that so that he would release her. "Damn," he muttered, angry that he had fallen for it, but he replaced his hands where they were to stop her again.

She didn't try to run away again, though. Laughter was just what she had needed at that point, and, once she had started laughing, she couldn't stop. Her short, small giggle had turned into a hysterical, uncontrollable mess that took a lot of energy to end. When she finally did stop, she turned to him and said, "Thank you for that," with a smile.

"You're welcome?" he answered hesitantly. "So, you gonna tell me or not?"

Lily's smile faded, and she said, "I guess I could, but only if you promise not to tell a soul, especially James Potter."

"But James is my best friend," he whined.

"There are some things I keep from Elle, so no complaining," she snapped in return.

He huffed but agreed nonetheless.

"Well," she began slowly, "I like this guy, but I know he doesn't like me because he has a girlfriend."

He was unfazed by this. "And?"

"And I just realized that I ruined any chance I have with him because I'm stupid and stubborn."

"Hey, that's just part of being a Gryffindor."

"I really don't need you to comment on everything, Black."

"Sorry."

"He just told me that he did really like me, but the way he said it insinuated that he doesn't anymore and he won't ever again. I lost all chance with him—I know I did," grumbled Lily, balling her hand into a fist and flinging it at the nearest thing, which happened to be Sirius's chest.

"Hey!"

"Oops," she mumbled apologetically.

He let go of her again and rubbed the place where she had hit him as he asked, "How do you know you lost _all_ chance?"

"I just do," insisted Lily.

He snorted at that. "Oh yeah, since you're _always_ right. That's _definitely_ why you actually missed a question in class yesterday."

"Thanks so much, Black, for raising my self-esteem," she responded sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "You're really making me feel so much better."

"At least I'm trying."

"No, you're not."

"All right, so you're correct this time but it's not all the time. I'm just saying that, although intuition is usually correct, it isn't always. You might still have a chance."

"I doubt it. He's getting really serious with this girl. She's practically in love with him."

"Practically is not the same as actually being in love. Besides, are you in love with him?"

After a moment's hesitation, she said, "I'm not sure, but I know I really like him, as much as this girl does anyway."

"Well, figure that out before you cry over him. If he really matters, he's worth crying over, but, if you don't love him, then don't cry."

She sniffled but still was able to eye him suspiciously. "You know, it's a bit strange to be hearing this from you, Sirius Black. You're anything but a paragon of virtue and finding true love."

"Yeah, well, you're listening anyway, aren't you? And I am making pretty good sense, I know."

She laughed lightly once more. "Thanks again."

He bowed lowly to her. "Anything for a lady, especially one as beautiful and lovely as you, Miss Evans."

---

"_What was it like?"_

_Lily had been very startled when she had seen him storm into the bridal store, his face wrought over with anger and frustration and fear and longing. She hadn't understood any of it, even when he had said those words. She shook her head in confusion, signaling that she didn't comprehend his question, and took him aside and away from the customers. "What is it?" she finally asked him once they were in private._

"_I just want to know what it was like with him."_

"_With who?"_

"_Sirius, when you were with Sirius."_

"_Like, in our relationship?"_

"_Yes."_

_She looked back, trying to remember everything that had happened just after graduating from Hogwarts. "I guess it started at the beginning of the semester before we graduated. I was upset and he helped me, which I really wasn't expecting. I think that's when I first started to accept that he wasn't as bad as I thought he was before then."_

"_Not that. I've heard that before from him."_

"_Well, I just wanted to make sure you knew it all," she snapped. "Don't interrupt me." After a deep breath, she continued, "Maybe five months after graduation, we ran into each other again. The two of you had started training to be Aurors, so he was very busy, but he asked me to have dinner with him anyway—just as friends to check up on everything._

"_When I told him that I had gotten over… what I had needed to get over, he was very happy, so, the next time he asked me out, he meant it as an actual date, which he thankfully clarified. If he hadn't clarified, I don't think I would have even understood. I'm not good with relationships, after all._

"_We started being boyfriend and girlfriend a month after that. You know most of what happened in here, I'm sure, because he must have told you most of it."_

"_This isn't what I want to know. You know what I mean."_

_She nodded, scared to even think about what he wanted to know. He had never asked this of her before—no one had since it had happened—and she was afraid to say it out loud. It had been a long time, but it was still scary and painful, and it still seemed dangerous in a way. "Okay, here we go._

"_It was on Halloween—I remember that. It was October 31, 1978. For some reason, the whole day had just felt weird and out of place. We had just left the Order meeting when it happened. All of a sudden, they were on us. We couldn't tell what was going on at first. It was so dark and they were wearing black, so I couldn't see them very well but for the spells that were bursting from the ends of all the wands. The Cruciatus Curse was used a lot—I remember that very well—on Sirius, I think. And, then, all of a sudden, there was a green flash, and then I remember hearing Dumbledore's voice and hitting my head. That's all I remember, I swear."_

_James nodded dejectedly as his head slumped down to his chest._

"_What brought this on?" she asked curiously, reaching a hand out to touch his shoulder as comfortingly as she could._

_He shrugged away from her and replied, "I was just thinking back to our conversation the other day when I realized that you called him by his surname. I was confused, wondering if something had happened before… before the incident."_

_Lily shook her head to try to assure him. "No, I loved him."_

"_Then, why do you call him by his surname now that he's gone?"_

"_Well, when I say I loved him, I don't mean in the way that a man and a woman love each other. I mean that I loved him as a friend. I remember that, on that very day, I had been planning to, after the meeting of the Order, end my relationship with him because it just didn't feel right to me. I just wanted to be friends with him, and saying 'Black' instead of 'Sirius' was just a way to do that without actually saying it aloud or to his face because he's now dead and I can't really say it to his face. Besides, that's just who he is to me from all the years I knew him."_

_He nodded again and started to leave the shop._

"_Wait," she called after him. "Don't just leave. I've barely seen you in a long time. We should… we should get together some time to talk about what's been happening." She knew she would regret it if he agreed, but she also knew she would regret it even more if she never saw him again for the rest of her life._

"_Fine by me," he said and stepped outside._

_Lily sighed, realizing that, even after all the years of trying to get over him and liking other people, she still liked him… or, as she had told Sirius all those years ago, she was still at least practically in love with him._

_

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_

_Thanks so much for reading. Please leave me a review!_

_Anatui_


	2. What the Future Holds

**Part 2 – What the Future Holds**

Head duties became very difficult for Lily Evans as she worked side-by-side with James and constantly tried to ignore him and the fact that he was always with Mary when he wasn't with her and the prefects or the other Marauders. She tried her best, but slowly her grades began to slip despite how hard she studied.

She couldn't seem to find any way to stop the inevitable, so she somehow became very attached to Sirius and Elle so much that she spent every waking hour with at least one of them when she wasn't acting as Head Girl. They comforted her, even Sirius, which still continued to amaze and shock her despite how it pleased her. She didn't think she'd be able to handle it all without them.

She did her best to be nicer to James as he asked her to, but she barely said anything to him to actually be able to be nice. She was too depressed about what could never be that she didn't pay very much attention to what was actually happening and what could be.

But eventually came a day when she had to spend all her time with James and it was driving her crazy. The NEWTs were steadily growing closer, and Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall asked them to go to Hogsmeade together to buy everything needed for the Graduation Party.

Lily really didn't want to go—she kept trying to make up excuses of why she couldn't go, but she finally succumbed to what she knew she had to do despite the fact that she was afraid of doing so. Elle helped prepare her to keep her from growing nervous at being alone for a whole day with her crush.

They spent most of the time shopping silently, but, when they finally went to a more lively place at lunchtime, they did their best to spark a conversation that interested both and that both could follow easily without growing weary or upset. But they were failing at that miserably.

She watched as James got up to fetch their Butterbeers and sighed regretfully, knowing that it could never be after so much had happened. When he returned, she tried again to start a conversation that would actually last. "Thank you," she said apprehensively as she took her mug from his hands, their fingers barely brushing against one another, causing her to shiver.

"You're welcome," he replied in a small voice.

"Thanks for paying as well. You really didn't have to do that."

"My pleasure. It's the least I can do."

"What does that mean?"

"Well, the school is paying for everything else. It wouldn't be right to make you pay for lunch."

"Why not?" she asked, confused.

"It's called chivalry, Evans, haven't you heard of it before?"

"Don't get bitter with me, Potter."

"I'm sorry," he responded easily.

That infuriated her even more. "Don't apologize all the time!" she exclaimed angrily. "Not everything you do is so horrible that you have to say you're sorry."

"Then, what's the point of yelling at me?"

"I didn't yell at you," corrected Lily. "I spoke loudly."

"Close enough," he reasoned.

She shrugged, not trying to figure out his logic. Suddenly uncomfortable, she said, "Let's go," standing up after having only a couple sips of her Butterbeer and not touching her meal. "I'm not hungry anymore."

"We've only been here for ten minutes," he complained. "You haven't eaten anything. We need sustenance for the rest of the day."

"I don't want to eat. Stop trying to make me do things I don't want to do!"

"When have I ever tried to force you to do things?"

She scowled back at him. "Oh, gee, Potter, I'll let you think about that for a little while. It's not it's really that difficult to figure out."

"I already apologized for that!" he yelled as he, too, ascended to his feet. "I said I was sorry. What more do you want me to do?"

"I want you to leave me the hell alone!"

"What?" he snapped in confusion, his voice lowering again. "I barely even talk to you. You see my best friend more than I do, so I don't think you really get to talk that much on the matter of me leaving you alone."

"Get the hell out of my head!" she screamed at him before storming out of the Three Broomsticks and leaving him behind. When he made it out behind her, she was already at the top of the rolling hill at the center of Hogsmeade. She just wanted to get away from him as soon as possible, not caring that she still had half the day to work on planning the end of the year celebration or that he would be left to do the work alone. She didn't want to be anywhere near him.

"_So how are Lupin and Pettigrew? I haven't seen them since the funeral five years ago," said Lily as she took a sip of her coffee. "Are they well?"_

_He hesitated before responding, "Peter's fine. I considered having him as the best man at the wedding, but I don't think it would be fair to Sirius."_

"_And Remus?"_

"_He's… away. I haven't seen him in a long time."_

"_Away? Where did he go?"_

"_Prison, actually."_

"_What?!" she exclaimed in surprise. "How? What could he have possibly done to necessitate incarceration?"_

"_Do you remember the leak in the Order five years ago? It was someone close to us Marauders, and, well, it turned out to be one of the Marauders. That's why Sirius died. It was because of Remus Lupin."_

"_What? How can that be? He never would have done that."_

"_Things've changed since then, Evans. The Remus Lupin I know has been gone for a long time. Of all the Marauders, I suspected him—not because I wanted to but because it was the only logical explanation. Well, I guess I was right after all."_

_She nodded sorrowfully. "I suppose you're right. I just don't want to think about it like that. I might not have been very close with him, but he was still a good friend in times of need."_

_James didn't say anything._

"_Have you gone to see him since he was put in there?" she asked him hopefully._

_He shook his head, and she knew that it would be a very painful thing for him to do after everything that had been caused by Remus's betrayal._

"_You should see him."_

"_I don't want to see him."_

"_Why not?"_

"_He's a traitor, don't you get it? Just because he was a best friend of mine a long time ago—he's not the same person anymore. Sure, he had things that would contribute to his weakness, but that isn't any sort of justification for what he did, dammit! He's still a bloody bastard for what he did!"_

"_Please come with me to see him. I want to see him, and I want you to come with me."_

_He grumbled but slowly agreed. "I might," he conceded noncommittally._

_She smiled lightly. "Good."_

It didn't take long for Sirius to discover the truth behind what Lily had told him, though, so she wasn't surprised one day when he came up to her somewhat gleefully and asked, "Lily, do you fancy James now?"

She jumped at the question, afraid of what the question implied about her feelings toward and her relationship with her fellow Head. "I, er… what makes you think that?" she finally got out.

"Oh, come on, Lily," he pushed at her. "You haven't spoken to Mary Atwood since she and James started dating. You two and Elle Hathaway were practically best friends before."

"Practically is different from actually being best friends. We've just grown apart, I suppose."

He snorted at that. "Yeah, because you're jealous."

Lily was infuriated. "I am not,. Merlin, Black, you're just like Elle!" she exclaimed angrily, pushing past.

"Gee, Lily, you must really love me then."

She scowled and walked up the girls' staircase, not frustrated because he knew (he wouldn't say anything about it to James, after all) but because her emotions were so apparent to the world outside her head. She did her best not to say anything to him, but, when he called her, she couldn't resist replying.

"How long?"

"A while."

"That's not a very explanatory explanation, you know."

"Well, maybe a year or so," she expanded before continuing to ascend the stairs.

Sirius moved toward the bottom of the stairs and asked her to come back down to continue the conversation more quietly. When she refused, he continued anyway in a loud voice so that everyone could hear him. "So you did like him when he liked you but you didn't go out with him because… of what exactly?" he inquired.

At the top of the stairs, Lily turned on him and replied, "Because he's who he is. Merlin, Sirius, do you really think that I'd agree to go out with someone who doesn't even seem to heed my feelings or opinions at all? I'm not so easily swayed, even if I already have feelings for the person."

"Why don't you tell him, then?" he asked.

"He doesn't like me anymore if you hadn't noticed. Why would he be dating _her_ if he did?"

Sirius laughed. "You know nothing about men, do you, Lily Evans?"

_The halls of Azkaban prison were cold and dank, the feeling that the Dementors left behind, as Lily and James slowly made their way through toward the cell in which their old friend was. A guard and several Dementors walked with them, scaring Lily to the core as images of a sad, lonely girl (herself from five years ago) passed through her head._

_She was startled back to reality when they stopped and looked into a cell at the left. With a quick glance at James, she realized that he had his eyes closed, trying his best not to see anything of Remus Lupin, afraid of both what he might do or what he might feel if he ever saw the betrayer again._

_Lily placed her small, delicate hand on his shoulder, and he finally opened his eyes to look at her. "It'll be all right," she did her best to assure. "I'm just surprised I got you this far."_

_He smiled lightly at that, his face almost contorting painfully because of it. "I am, too," he admitted in a hushed voice._

"_Come on," she said, nodding toward the cell. "You can do this."_

"_Why?"_

"_I just know you can."_

"_No, I mean, why do you want to do this?"_

"_Because I want to know for sure. I want to hear him say that he's the leak from so long ago."_

"_He is!" insisted James furiously._

"_I want to hear _him_ say it, though. I won't believe it otherwise."_

"_Fine," he finally consented, not that she wouldn't have done it without his consent._

_Together, they turned to the cell. Inside, almost as thin as the day he was born, was Remus, old friend, supposed traitor, poor and lonely werewolf._

_At that, Lily wondered what they did on the full moons. Would they leave him in his cell in anguish? Or would they take him to a place that he could destroy instead of himself more like Dumbledore had done? But, when she saw all the cuts and scars and blood on him, she knew that he did remain in his cell during that time and that they rarely even allowed him medical attention. So many of those wounds would have healed more properly if they had been a little more generous with a wand and the magic that came with it._

"_Remus?" called in Lily quietly, almost afraid that, if she spoke too loudly, he would fall and break apart like he was made from dust._

_He looked up at her and James, his eyes hesitant to believe they were actually there. "Lily? James?" he asked fearfully._

_She nodded, but James just looked away. "How are you?" she asked. Then, realizing, she continued, "Oh, what a stupid question. You look awful."_

"_I don't feel that bad. This is actually a good day for me. Full moon isn't for another two weeks."_

"_How do you keep track of time in here?" she asked curiously._

_He took a deep breath and said, "I count the time by full moons."_

_Lily almost cried at that. She wasn't sure how he could even possibly _want_ to count the time that passed. Of all his friends, one was dead and the other two believed him to be a traitor. She wouldn't be able to stand it. Everything he loved and held dear always eluded him. Life obviously didn't like him that much… nor Sirius… nor any of them for that matter._

"_I'm so sorry," she said, approaching the bars._

"_Why?" he said bitterly. "I got what I deserve, didn't I? I belong in here, don't I?"_

"_I don't know. Do you? That's what I came here to find out. I find it rather difficult to believe that you would be the leak in the Order."_

_Remus glanced at James, saying, "some people find it very easy to believe."_

_And, finally, James looked at him. "Are you saying you aren't the leak?"_

"_I'm not the leak."_

_Angrily, James said, "Then, why have the Death Eaters stopped knowing everything about ht Order? Why is no one leaking?"_

"_How should I know? I've been in here, haven't I, James?"_

"_Exactly. You haven't been able to tell Voldemort everything."_

"_The only thing I ever told Voldemort was that he should shove his—"_

"_I get the picture!" yelled Lily. "Just don't argue. Please."_

_Both men turned to her,, surprised at her outburst._

"_We didn't come here to fight."_

_James sighed in frustration. "I'm leaving. You can find your way out, Evans." And he left._

"_I'm sorry," Remus apologized._

"_Why?"_

"_For making him leave."_

_She shrugged. "I'm surprised I actually got him to come."_

_He nodded. "me, too."_

"_He's getting married, you know."_

"_Really?"_

"_To Mary Atwood."_

"_They haven't broken up? I'm surprised."_

_Lily shrugged her shoulders again. "I try not to think about it."_

_He almost smiled. "You still like him. You haven't ever stopped, have you?"_

_She shook her head. "No, I haven't."_

"_Why don't you tell him?"_

"_He's getting married, Remus."_

"_Why didn't you ever tell him back five years ago?"_

"_He said that he didn't like me anymore."_

"_You really don't know anything about him, do you?"_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_He still liked you. He was just trying to give you what you wanted."_

"_I didn't want him to leave me alone. I just wanted him to not be a prat to everyone."_

"_He wasn't all that bad, you know."_

"_I do realize that now."_

"_Please tell him. You'll never know until you try."_

"_Thank you, Remus."_

_He slowly approached the edge of the cell and embraced her hand in his. "Lily, thanks for coming here."_

"_I wish I had been here sooner. I wish I had known. I hadn't seen anyone until maybe two weeks ago. I love you, Remus, and I believe you. It wouldn't have taken me so long if I had known."_

_With a short silence and a deep breath, he said, "Go get him, Lily. I know you can. Even if I can't be happy, I want you to be in my place, and I w ant James to be happy, even though he hates me."_

"_He doesn't hate you. We both know that being a Marauder meant more than anything to him, so a traitor in the Marauders is so much scarier than just some random Order member. It really cut him so deeply. Sure, he doesn't know for certain it was you, but you know how stubborn he is."_

_Remus nodded. "Yes, I do. Now go tell him you love him."_

_She squeezed his hand with a small smile and ran after James, who had probably already left the island._

"Now why am I here?" asked Lily with a groan as Elle forced her down on the bed.

Sirius answered her with a grin, "To convince you to tell Prongs you love him."

"I don't love James Potter. I barely even know him."

"Yes, you do, Lily," insisted Remus. "Maybe not as much as the rest of the Marauders, but you still know him rather well—though obviously not well enough."

Peter nodded vigorously.

Only ten minutes before, Elle and Sirius had mischievously dragged her to the seventh year boys' dormitory, where Remus and Peter were waiting for them. She had immediately known that something was up and she probably wouldn't like it.

"Yes, I do fancy him, but that doesn't I'm in love with him."

"Of course it doesn't _mean_ that, but it's still true," Sirius said, rolling his eyes at her lack of believability.

"You know it's true. You just don't want to accept it," said Remus.

"Why are all of you pressing the matter? Even Remus and Peter! It's unfathomable!" she cried. She took a deep breath to calm herself and adjusted her voice so that she was speaking normally. "Listen, the last time I spoke to him, I yelled at him. I really don't think he'd be happy to be with me. He's smarter than that, I know he is."

"Lily," Peter said quietly.

"Yes?"

"I really don't think he's smarter than that. You have far too much faith in his intelligence. And I really don't think that he even likes Mary Atwood that much."

"Yeah, seriously," said Sirius, laughing slightly at the pun, "he'd dump her in a second if he thought you were open to dating him… or even if we just told him that we don't like her. Sure, he'd be a little cheesed off, but he'd get over and he would dumper, especially since he doesn't even really like her that much."

"Do I really have to tell him?" she asked sadly.

At that, Elle took her hand and kneeled in front of her. "Listen, Lily, you'll never know until you try. If he denies you, you'll always have me. Even if you're miserable, I'll still be here and I'll still love you. You mean so much to me, Lily, so I'm not going to let you be too miserable."

Lily attacked her with a giant hug, afraid to let go and lose her and have the whole world crash down around her. "Thank you, Elle," she murmured in her friend's ear. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

_After having caught up with James, Lily was able to return with him to his house in London, where he and Mary lived together. He offered her dinner, saying that Mary was still at work and generally didn't return until around the time he went to bed, and she gratefully accepted, still distantly thinking about what Remus had said that she should do. When dinner was ready, they sat in the kitchen and ate quietly, barely glancing between each other as they had done those many years ago._

_Finally, Lily felt the need to question him. "Why can't you believe him?" she asked curiously._

"_That he wasn't the leak in the Order?" he said, not looking up at her._

"_Yes."_

"_He's lied before, you know. Why should I believe him now?"_

"_When he's lied before it was because he was afraid you'd leave him alone. Besides, that was about being a werewolf not a traitor. There's a very large difference, and you know it, James Potter!" she cried at him. "Don't you dare try to say that it's the same thing."_

"_I know it isn't, but it's the only way I can justify my feelings."_

"_You're afraid," she said bluntly._

"_Of what?"_

"_Sirius."_

_He furrowed his brow in utter confusion. "I don't know what you mean."_

"_I mean that, if you did forgive him, you'd feel that Sirius would never forgive you for it. You're afraid because you don't want to be a horrible person for forgiving a horrible person for doing a horrible thing." She paused before continuing, "But don't you see it? He's not a horrible person. He didn't do it, so how could he be? It wouldn't be wrong of you to forgive him, even though he never did the terrible deed you believe he did. How can you continue to punish him like that?!"_

"_He did, too, do it! Who else is there to blame for Sirius's death?" he said, his eyes actually growing tears. "Who can I scream at and yell at and hate utterly because of what they did to my best mate? There has to be someone to blame, dammit!"_

"_Blame Voldemort," she said sadly. "If anyone in the entire world is to blame, it's him. He was the one that uttered the Killing Curse before my very eyes. It's difficult for me to remember, yes, but I know that it was Voldemort that did it."_

"_Everyone's blaming him for everything these days. Yes, it is his fault, but he didn't do most of this stuff on his own. He's had accomplices… and leaks."_

"_Yes, but we cannot currently identify that leak, now can we?"_

"_Who else could it seriously be, Lily? Peter? He's so weak that even I wouldn't choose to convert him to the Dark Arts if I were Voldemort. He'd practically be what really gives Death Eaters a bad name."_

"_Not necessarily Pettigrew," she reasoned._

"_Then, who else? It was someone very close to us. I'm positive it wasn't me and it wasn't Mary. Considering Sirius was murdered, that leaves Remus or Peter. What else were we ever supposed to assume?"_

"_That's the point, isn't it? You were _supposed_ to assume that, weren't you?"_

"_I don't follow."_

"_Yes, you do. You just don't want to admit it, even to yourself. I know for certain that Remus Lupin is no traitor to his friends, so it has to be someone else. He told me to tell you that, despite how angry you are with him, he just wants you to be happy."_

"_I don't want to hear it," he said, turning completely away from her._

_She snapped, "Oh, of course you don't, you coward!"_

"_What did you call me?" yelled James as he turned back at the word. "A coward, am I?"_

"_You are if you won't hear the truth. Dammit, James, don't be an imbecile! How can you so easily lose faith in one friend and so easily defend another? You don't make sense. You were always closer to Sirius and Remus than you were to Peter, I know you were. It's so damn stupid!"_

"_Don't talk to me about stupidity, Evans," he spat at her._

"_And what are you implying by that?"_

"_If anyone here is stupid, it's you."_

"_Why is that, James?"_

"_Because, when I tell you I love you, you tell me to go to hell—and yet, three months after that, Sirius comes and tells me that he thinks you like me."_

"_He what?!" she screamed, angry that she had been betrayed and hadn't even known until five years later. "How dare he! I specifically told him not to breathe a word to you."_

"_He said that he _thought_ you liked me, not that he _knew_. So you did have feelings for me?"_

"_Yes, I did, even when you asked me out."_

"_Why did you say, 'no'?"_

_Lily scowled lightly at the question. "Why did you give up on me?"_

"_Are you saying that, if I had continued, you would have agreed?"_

"_Yes, I am. Why did you give up on me so easily?"_

"_Easily?" he laughed. "Those were the hardest days of my life, Evans. The girl I love constantly telling me that she hates my guts and would rather date a giant monster in the lake was rather depressing for me if you hadn't realized."_

"_You love me?" she asked quietly._

"_What?"_

"_You said you love me."_

_He watched her carefully in silence, unsure of how to reply to her remark._

"_James," she said apprehensively as she neared him, "are you saying that you still care about me?"_

"_Stay back!" he said as she came too close for comfort. "I-I can't say. I'm getting married in a week, Lily."_

"_But that doesn't matter if you love me!" she cried frantically. "Oh, Merlin, James, if you love me, it doesn't matter, does it? How could that possibly matter?"_

"_It does."_

"_Why?!"_

"_Because, even if I did love you, you gave up on those feelings years ago, didn't you? How could you date my best friend?"_

"_You can care about someone and date another person, James. You seem pretty good at doing that, especially when you started dating one of my best friends."_

"_You yelled at me and told me you hated me."_

"_I lied!" she screamed at him. "Of course I lied. I was scared. I didn't want to just be some girl you'd dump in a couple weeks. Sure, Elle and Remus and Sirius were slowly convincing me, but it still wasn't enough. I needed you to convince me of that. I needed you, but you failed me. You left me like I didn't mean a damn thing to you. It wasn't easy for me either."_

"_What are you saying?"_

"_I'm saying I love you, James!"_

"_I can't."_

_Tears welled in her eyes and threatened to spill over the sides as she nodded her head slowly. "I know you can't. I've known for a long time, I think. So many memories have been coming back, though, since I've seen you. I tried to lock that all away after Elle died and after Sirius died. I just didn't want to see any of you, but now I know that, if I could go back and do it again, I wouldn't let any of you go or die or even think about leaving me. I love you—all of you."_

"_I'm sorry," he stuttered with lament._

"_Just tell me you love me before I go," she pleaded. "I just need to hear it once, straight and clear and firm, James. Please say it." And the tears flooded down her cheeks, and her face was now a brilliant red almost as bright as her hair as it contorted with misery._

"_I can't."_

"_Please just say something. Tell me you love me or hate me or something. Anything! Just don't tell me you can't. Because I can't handle that. I need you to say something or do something. Please, dammit!"_

_In frustration, he finally yelled, "What am I supposed to do? Thank my lucky stars? You can't just come in here, tell me you love me, and expect me to love you back. Sorry to disappoint you, but it doesn't work that way. There are other people that depend on me now. I just can't."_

"_Stop it!" she sobbed, pushing back away from her food and him and the tabletop. "Stop saying that."_

"_I can't," he said once more, his voice quiet again but carrying something else: bitterness. "Mary's invited you to the wedding, so I hope you'll be there."_

_She nodded vigorously as she wiped away her tears. "I will," she said furiously and stormed out of the house._

_

* * *

_

_Thanks for reading more! Please leave me a review. Sorry if anyone's confused. If so, I'll try to help you understand._

_Anatui_


	3. Turn Back Time

**Part 3 – Turn Back Time**

The night before NEWTs, Lily and James met as Heads to wish each other luck and say goodbye to their duties as the year was coming to a close. They sat in the prefects' conference room and drank small glasses of Butterbeer in silence. Neither had spoken since she had yelled at him in Hogsmeade and run away. She wasn't proud of it, but she was too proud to say she was sorry to him of all people. Besides, he was the sort of person to accept apologies very well.

Lily had convinced herself that, the next time she saw him in private, she would tell him exactly how she felt and that she was sorry for all the horrors she had caused by keeping quiet about them. But, somehow, when they had entered the room together, she hadn't been able to do so. She just couldn't seem to form the right words or get them out of her mouth.

Finally, she settled for Smalltalk instead. "How's Mary doing?" she asked quietly, searching for a subject about which she actually somewhat cared. She hadn't seen Mary since she and James had started dating, so there wasn't much she knew about.

"Fine."

"What has she been up to?"

"Um, shopping?" he suggested hesitantly. He didn't appear to be too keen on the subject. "I don't know."

"How can you not know?"

"She's just been like she always has, I guess. I haven't noticed any changes, so I don't know what to tell you, Evans. You should know her better than me anyway."

"I don't really know her anymore," said Lily quietly. Frankly, she didn't want to know her after she had so blatantly disregarded one of her best friend's feelings and going after the boy that Lily had liked for over a year.

"Yeah, so she's told me. She really misses you and Elle Hathaway, you know."

"I do, but I don't care."

"Why not?"

"How would you feel if Remus did something that you specifically asked him not to do? You'd feel hurt, wouldn't you? Well, I certainly do."

"What did she do that was so horrible?"

Lily took a deep breath and finally said it, "She went out with you." She thought that she had made her feelings clear in her tone of voice, but his response proved her wrong.

"What? Am I that horrible, Evans? It's not like I'm going to hurt her. For your information, I like her very much."

"I didn't mean it like that."

"Then, how did you mean it?"

Again, she tried to form the words, but they eluded her and refused to come. "I… oh, Merlin, never mind!" she finally succumbed when they just wouldn't obey her.

"No, what did you mean?"

"Nothing. It doesn't matter."

He groaned in frustration. "Fine, be that way."

"What way?"

James scowled for a minute before smirking and saying, "Never mind."

"You are impossible!"

"I'm impossible? You said it first, Evans."

"Oh, don't go around pointing fingers. Playing the blame game is a waste of time. It's so damn stupid."

"Are you calling me stupid?"

With a new incentive, she said, "Yes, I am!"

"I don't get you," he said angrily. "How am I bloody stupid?"

She groaned, knowing that she had to tell him exactly why he was such an idiot. That it was because he didn't realize that she cared about him so much. That it was because he had decided to date her friend, Mary, and give up on her. There really wasn't any way to describe him without using 'stupid', 'idiot', or anything of that nature.

But still, when she opened her mouth to speak those very words, they just wouldn't come out. The words refused to come to her. They eluded her.

In frustration, Lily finally screamed, "You just are! Just because I can't explain it doesn't mean that it isn't true, you know."

"Well, I don't believe you."

"You wouldn't. Otherwise, you wouldn't've asked me to explain."

"Merlin, Evans, most of the time, you're actually able to come up with a good response. What's wrong with you?" His voice held genuine concern, which startled her but somewhat renewed her hopes.

She took a deep breath and said, "I don't know. I haven't been able to concentrate on anything—even school and my studies."

"Why not?" He steadily grew closer as he placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.

Lily turned away, afraid to look at him. "Please don't," she said. "Don't touch me."

He pulled back to his hand, saying, "Why?"

When she spun around to see him, his eyes were sad and hurt. "James, I'm scared—far too scared right now."

"Why?" he asked again.

She bit her bottom lip nervously, afraid to say what she was really feeling when she knew she had to. "I lo—no. I can't tell you." And that was it. She had backed out. She hadn't been able to do it. She was too weak. Elle would be ashamed of her. Hell, she was even ashamed her herself.

"What did you start to say?"

She shook her head. "Nothing."

"It's _not_ nothing. It must be something."

"Yeah, well, it's not."

"Come on, Evans! You're a horrible liar. If you're going to get upset around me, the least you could do is tell me why you're so damn upset!"

"Sorry, Potter, but my entire world doesn't revolve around you knowing every damn thing about me. Of all the people in the world, you'll probably be the last to know," she cried as her anger grew until she was shouting. "Merlin, I bloody-well hate you!" And she stood up suddenly, disrupting the small table on which sat their mugs and spilling Butterbeer all over the table and then James's lap.

"Dammit, Evans!" he snapped as he jerked away from the spill and removed his robes as quickly as possible to save his clothes underneath from getting wet.

"Oh, get over it, Potter. It's not like Butterbeer will kill you, though I don't really care either way."

He moved toward her angrily. "Just because you hate me—" But he was interrupted as her hand rocketed toward his face. Barely able to stop it, he was suddenly holding her wrist at tight as he could to keep her from hurting him. "Merlin, don't try to kill me," he spat viciously.

"Let go!" screamed Lily.

"No."

She struggled and wriggled, easily flinging her other hand toward him as well, which he quickly stopped in the same way he had the first. "Let me go," she said again, even though she knew it to be futile.

James easily found himself in a rather compromising position, suddenly realizing that she was too close for him to be comfortable. And, just as he was about to let her go as she demanded, he realized that he couldn't.

The next thing he knew, they were suddenly kissing. Neither knew who had moved in first—it just happened.

After assessing the situation and growing scared beyond belief, Lily pulled away. As his grip loosened during the strange kiss, she easily removed her hands from his, shaking her head still in surprise. At the look on his face, all she wanted to do was press her lips to his again and stay there forever, but she knew she couldn't because of Mary. At the thought of her ex-friend, she remembered how much she hated James Potter despite how much she loved him, and she balled her hand into a fist and flung it at his face. He wasn't prepared this time and toppled over backwards as she smiled in triumph and left him there on the floor.

---

_Not wanting to go to the wedding to see the man she loved get married to her good friend from five years past, Lily decided that she should pay her respects to Sirius's gravesite. She took a bouquet of yellow roses with her and laid them down on his grave at the edge of the old churchyard. The tombstone was just as she remembered it, bearing the words:_

Sirius M. Black

Loving friend and brother

"My friends were always there for me. They encouraged me to make

new mistakes instead of the same old ones." -Rita Hayworth

_Lily almost cried at the sight of it. She still hated to believe that he was dead. "Oh, Sirius, I'm so sorry," she said, kneeling down beside the headstone and moving her hand across the lettering. "I wish I could have been able to stop it. Oh, hell, I wish I could turn back time so that you could live and still be my friend and comfort me now. Of course, if I could really turn back time, I wouldn't have let James Potter ever decide to marry Mary Atwood. If anything, I'd convince him to marry me. Merlin, I love him so much, Sirius._

"_I know you'd understand. Sure, we were dating when you died, but we both knew it wouldn't have lasted. I'm so sorry for leading you on if I ever did. I really don't know why you hadn't been with Elle anyway. You two were really perfect for each other. That's probably why I dated you in the first place. God, that sounds so stupid, but I just missed her so much. She had died just a little while before I saw you again. I needed someone, and you offered yourself to me. What else did you expect me to do, Sirius? It was still extremely stupid, though. That's my only real excuse. I can barely believe that I did it, but I did and I can't take that back. I'm so sorry._

"_I do regret it. But what are regrets now? A waste of time, really. All we can do is say that we wish we could go back to say, 'I love you,' or, 'I don't love you and I'm sorry for making you think I did'. But we just can't. Life is still so full of regrets and what-could-have-beens, though. I know I waste time trying to imagine what my life would be like if I had told James all those years ago or if I had punched Mary in the face when she told me she was his new girlfriend like I know I really wanted to._

"_But, seriously, if I _could_ go back to tell my old self what I needed to do then, I know I wouldn't believe myself. I'd just think that it was stupid and that James would always love me or that I didn't love him in the first place. But, damn, would I be so wrong. Even right now, I have no idea what the future holds, so I certainly wouldn't back then, even if I told my past self what would happen. In any way, I'm screwed completely and utterly because James Potter and Mary Atwood (soon to be Mary Potter, which sounds so horrible) are at the alter, swearing their undying love and devotion for each other. Damn, I'm so screwed._

"_What can I do, Sirius? Please, I need someone now. Remus is in prison because you died. I don't mean to blame you, but you really didn't choose a very good time to get killed. James thinks that it's his fault. He thinks that it was Remus that betrayed the Order and gave away our position and got you killed. You were thinking it was him, too, weren't you? How could you two be so stupid to think that? God, I don't know who it is, but, if I had to choose, I'm surprised to say that I actually think it was either Peter or Mary. That sounds stupid, too, but I know that James could never betray you as you could never betray him. And Remus—he couldn't do it either, I just know he wouldn't be able to, even if he tried, which he wouldn't in the first place._

"_And now I'm rambling so much, and I can't stop. I'm just so afraid of what will happen now. If James and Mary are wed, where will I be? All that's left for me is Peter. You know, I'm actually considering suicide, but I know you wouldn't forgive me. Maybe I could try to get Remus out of prison. That would be a good hobby, wouldn't it—trying to escape the Ministry? They'd think I was a Death Eater or something? But, seriously, how can they even think of holding him prisoner? He doesn't have a Dark Mark, I know. I saw both his arms so I'm positive he doesn't have one. The Dementors probably just want another sad, sorry soul to prey on as they drink up the nastiness that is human fear._

"_Please tell me what to do, Sirius. I need some sort of guidance right now. Maybe you could just give me some sort of sign that you can hear me… if you can hear me. I need help now more than ever. Or maybe I did five years ago. If you could, could you go back and convince me to tell James? Maybe you wouldn't die then. Maybe Remus wouldn't be in prison. Maybe Elle wouldn't be dead either. Maybe my heart wouldn't be so damn broken like it is now. God, I'm so miserable. Please give me a sign. I need your help, Sirius. I need you."_

_---_

Lily could barely breathe when she woke up in the morning, scared of what would happen the next time she saw James. She had just told him she hated him and kissed him and then punched him. She could barely believe it, but she knew she had to face the day. There were the NEWTs, after all. Although, it wasn't like she'd pass them anyway. But she couldn't take them again. If she failed, she failed life. She had to get good grades now more than ever if she wanted to succeed in life—if she wanted to actually _have_ a life.

"Lily, please wake up," came Elle's voice apprehensively. "You're scaring me."

Slowly, she sat up and pushed away the hangings of her bed. "I'm awake. I'm here," she answered with a morning moan. "I just don't want to be."

"Thank Merlin. You were really starting to worry me, Lily," Elle said, moving away from where she had been standing by the edge of the curtain and toward her own bed. "Breakfast is almost over, you know that?"

"I couldn't sleep."

"Why? What happened? You came back really late last night?"

"Yes, I did. I was at the Astronomy tower."

"Really? Were you with anyone?"

"Nope. I was definitely alone up there. Once the Ravenclaw couple saw me with the tears in my eyes and my red, angry face, they ran away without a word except one small, pathetic, 'Sorry, Evans!'."

"Crying? Why were you crying, Lily?"

She shrugged, trying to avoid the subject. "Well, I had spent the previous hour with James Potter, telling him that—"

"You told him?"

"—that I hated him and never wanted to see him again."

"Lily!" Elle was aghast at the words. "But you were supposed to tell him the truth."

"Screw the truth!" yelled Lily angrily. "He wouldn't stop talking about Mary this and Mary that and how we never spend time with her because she's such a bitch. All right, so he never used that word and neither did I until now, but I'll say it anyway because it's the truth and we both know it. How dare she go after the man she knew I liked."

"But she doesn't know."

"Oh, deep down, I know she knows."

"Fine, deep down, everyone knows. But you never told her. You never even really told me, so you don't get to talk about people knowing about your deep, dark feelings that you hide from everyone."

"We kissed."

"What?"

"We kissed. James and I did. At our meeting last night. We kissed."

"How was it?"

"Breathtaking. It was so breathtaking that I couldn't breathe when I pulled away."

"Thus the name."

"But I did punch him."

"Why?!"

"Because it's cheap of him to kiss me and be dating someone else."

"If you told him how you felt then, he probably wouldn't still be _with_ someone else."

"I've lost hope, Elle. I'm sorry, but I have and I can't deny it any longer."

"Oh, Lily, there's still hope. Now get up, get ready for the day, and ace those NEWTs I know you're dying to take."

Lily grumbled but complied.

---

_She was late when she arrived at the wedding. She knew she was, but she didn't care. She didn't care if she ruined all their memories that would come with it. She didn't care if she broke up the wedding. In fact, she would have liked that. She knew she couldn't be with James anymore, but she could still derive pleasure out of assaulting everything wonderful he still had going for himself. At the current moment, she hated him with all her heart, though still a little less than she hated Mary Atwood. Lily sat in the back in her jeans and t-shirt, barely noticed the short glances that people sent at her clothing and her tardiness._

_Meanwhile, James and Mary were at the alter, holding hands, and Mary was saying her vows. Peter was standing off to James's side in the place that Sirius would have stood if he were still alive. Seeing that, she suddenly greatly disliked him, too, and despised James even more for doing something he said he wouldn't do. He had said specifically that he didn't want to do that because of Sirius, but he had anyway. What kind of friend was he, even if his friend was long dead?_

_James looked back over the crowd with a smile, one that she knew wasn't completely real as it faltered when he saw her. He was surprised that she had even come—he definitely hadn't expected it after their conversation the week before. But, at the same time, he was happy that she had come. For some asinine reason, he wanted her to see that he didn't need her and he could survive without her, despite the fact that he had practically admitted to being in love with her._

_When they turned away from each other, Lily looked back at Peter, whom was eagerly checking the time on a large grandfather clock nearby. She followed his gaze to see that it was almost noon. The wedding was almost over and the reception would begin in a little over half an hour._

_Mary's vows were over, and, as James had already said his, the preacher asked them both the final question, the one that Lily had memorized from all the movies and television shows and all her fantasies about her own marriage. She tried her best not to imagine herself in Mary's place, but it was very, very difficult._

_Finally, it came down to the words, "I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride." And, as their lips neared, Lily remembered her first and only kiss from those years ago when James and herself had done that same deed with much more passion than she had ever thought possible as all their emotions had raged. James and Mary's kiss was excruciatingly long—at least in her mind._

_And the clock chimed noon brilliantly as they pulled away from each other just in time to hear many pops all around the group. Lily was startled by the sound of the Apparition of many witches and wizards in black robes that easily surrounded them all. And, suddenly, she realized that in the center of the group stood the man they knew to be Voldemort, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named._

_Albus Dumbledore was the first to rise from his seat and pull forth his wand. Lily watched in horror as he stepped toward Voldemort without uttering a curse or hex or spell of any sort. In fact, he said absolutely nothing, and neither did the Dark Lord before him. They pointed their wands toward each other._

_Many of the other guests scrambled to get away from the Death Eaters around them. James and Mary were included in that group, which almost amazed Lily. James easily pushed his new wife back behind the grand piano to hide as best she could before he reached for his hand to protect her and anyone he could._

_Peter, however, was not included in that group. He did not rush away nor did he try to attack the Death Eaters. Both Lily and James were surprised by this fact, but one of them (that one being Lily) was not surprised by what he did next. Peter pulled out his wand and pointed it directly at James._

_For some reason, Lily had known this would happen one way or another. None of them had ever suspected Peter, even Lily. She knew that it was very unlikely, doubtful, and would be a very rare thing for him to be a Death Eater, but, as he pulled up the sleeve of his left arm with the elbow of his right, his wand still steady on James with skills they this didn't know he had, both Lily and James saw the Dark Mark that had been hidden there for almost five years._

_Despite the fact that Lily knew Remus would soon be out of prison, her heart stopped as she saw the smirk on Peter's face as he said the words no one thought he could ever say and James's body fell to the floor of the chapel. She wasn't the only one to burst into tears as Mary had also seen the act from beneath the piano bench._

_And she no longer cared whether the Death Eaters killed her right then or if she lived a long miserable life. No matter what might happen, no matter what the future might hold, her life was over at the sight of his scared, betrayed, helpless, hopeless, lifeless body on the floor. And it certainly didn't help—or even matter—that Dumbledore, still in the middle of the room with his arch nemesis, fell to the floor moments later just as dead as James and many others in the church were._

"_Merlin," she murmured as the tears poured down her cheeks, "somebody kill me already." And the many flashes of green light told her that she would be dead soon, and, then, suddenly she was._

---

As Lily rushed into the Great Hall at the end of breakfast with Elle at her heels, she noticed James and Mary sitting together without the other Marauders except Peter, whom eagerly followed him anywhere. For some reason, Sirius and Remus were sitting at the opposite end of the Gryffindor table. Lily and Elle joined the two Marauders by themselves with curious looks in their faces.

"What's wrong with you guys? Why aren't you sitting with Pettigrew and Potter and his girlfriend?" asked Elle, pursing her lips and furrowing her brow in confusion.

Sirius almost laughed at the face she made, causing her to blush lightly, as he responded, "We've decided we're not talking to Prongs right now."

"Why?"

"He's being mean," whined Sirius.

Remus easily took over explaining in his stead. "Sirius and I agreed that, if he hadn't broken up with Atwood by the day we take the NEWTs, we weren't going to talk to him for a week. And, thus, we have begun that escapade."

"Merlin, NEWTs," groaned Lily. "Please don't remind me. I know I'm going to fail this."

"How could you fail?" asked Sirius incredulously. "That's ridiculous! You've studied since you found out you had to take them when we were in second year."

"Did Potter tell you what happened last night? That's why."

"No, actually, he didn't," replied Remus.

"Do tell," he said, changing his voice like Mary did when she was listening to a new bit of gossip.

Slowly and miserably, she told them, her voice as low as possible without them being unable to hear. Afterwards, they argued.

"How could you not tell him after that?" cried Sirius when she denied explaining her feelings after the kiss.

"I don't know. I just couldn't."

He took her left hand in his two from across the table and said, "Listen, Lily, you really have to tell him this. If you don't, I think you'll regret it forever. He loves you—he just won't say it because he's afraid that you'll hate him even more if he tells you."

Remus nodded in agreement at Sirius's words, despite how surprised he was that Sirius could actually speak such beautifully sincere and true words without cracking up and laughing like the maniac he really was. "He's tried for a long time," he continued. "Now it's your turn, Lily. You have to do this if you ever want to be able to be with him."

"I know."

"Then, go get him already," snapped Elle. She pushed her friend away from the table and toward the area where James, Mary, and Peter still sat.

Anxiously, Lily made her way toward them, clicking her nails and biting her tongue nervously as she approached. When she stood behind the couple, she cleared her throat, gathering their attention, and said, "Excuse me, Potter. Sorry to interrupt your love fest, but Professor McGonagall would like to see us in her office." She was very thankful that their Head of House was currently not in the Great Hall, easily giving her an excuse to get him alone.

He agreed, kissing his girlfriend on the cheek before getting up and following her out of the Great Hall. When she stopped on the first landing of the grand staircase, he halted in confusion before she turned to him. "What's up, Evans?" he asked impatiently. "Don't we need to hurry to McGonagall?"

"No."

"What?"

"She never asked for us. But I need to talk to you, James."

"What?" he asked again, startled by her use of his first name.

"I know you don't want to hear it, but you're going to anyway. We need to talk about last night—and everything else, too. I haven't been able to stop thinking about what's been happening. I keep wondering why you stopped asking me out and why you started dating a good friend of mine, but Sirius and Remus seem to think they know everything so they've been helping me. They've helped me realize that I don't have much time left to do this, so I have to do it _now_.

"Listen, James, I never meant to hurt you all those times when you asked me out, so I'm sorry for that. And I really have to thank you for trying to obey my wishes when you stopped, but that doesn't mean I wanted you to. You're not as horrible as I made you out to be, but that was just a defense mechanism. I was trying to hide from the fact that I actually have feelings for you beyond hatred or even friendship. I was also trying to hide from getting hurt because I really didn't think that you really cared about me, but I know now that was wrong of me to assume such a thing when I barely knew you.

"Well, I do know you now, and I know that you're a better person than I thought you were. I also know that my feelings for you are far beyond either hatred or friendship. This is very difficult for me, so I apologize if I'm stalling," she said, her voice quickening on the last sentence.

She took a deep breath and continued, "Well, I have to do this now to get it over with. James Potter, I've fallen in love with you. I know that you're with Mary now, but I just need you to know because, if I didn't tell you, I know I'd regret it for the rest of my life." Desperately, she lamely ended with, "Please just say something!"

But James didn't know what to say. He was suddenly scared and confused and angry and frustrated and yet also extremely happy. So many emotions came over him that he didn't realize what he was doing until it was too late to stop.

When Mary and Peter came out of the Great Hall to prepare for the NEWTs, they saw Lily and James in the midst of a steamy kiss that neither of them intended on ending until Mary's scream echoed through the school, gathering a crowd and (most importantly) Elle, Sirius, and Remus, who all were quite happy and excited by the sight of the fated lovers in each other's arms. It was rather obvious to the rest of the school, Mary included, that she was no longer in the picture and her relationship with James was completely over. Elle was so happy that she grabbed the nearest person (who just so happened to be Sirius) and kissed him.

---

The Marauders, Lily, and Elle gathered around the hearth in the common room at midnight, feeling quite good about the day and their NEWT scores, Lily especially, who had been extremely frightened of failing them quite miserably. Remus and Peter played a game of chess in the firelight as the other four watched on happily. Sirius and Elle sat hand in hand, glancing back and forth between and making faces at each other until they finally started to snog on the sofa in the middle of their little circle of friends.

Lily pulled away from the group, edging her way toward the window with a grin upon her face. She looked up at the cloudless sky, thankful that there was nothing to block her view as she searched out the constellation bearing the star Sirius, which twinkled down at her.

She giggled lightly as two arms encircled her waist and she leaned back against her newfound love and boyfriend, James Potter. "Hey, you," he murmured into her ear lovingly. "What are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm just thanking my lucky stars," she said with a large smile spread across her beautiful face, "that I have you—all of you." She heard him pout and quickly added, "But you especially, so don't you dare worry about that. Well, I love Elle about as much as I love you, so you don't get to beat her, but I think you'll get over that."

"No, I won't."

Her laugh tinkled in the breeze coming in from the cool spring night as she turned around to look him in the eye, and she said, "You're already over it, so shut up and kiss me, James."

* * *

_Well, that's the end of this story! I hope you enjoyed it._

_Anatui_


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